OPINION: Scientists have finally isolated the genetic mutation responsible for the ‘mental health problem’ unique to American society.
Editor’s note: The following article is an op-ed, and the views expressed are the author’s own. Read more opinions on theGrio
Today, more than 300 Americans will catch an infectious disease whose survival rate (42 percent) is lower than the five-year survival rates for cancer (69 percent), HIV (67 percent) or the toxic political illness known as “wokeness” (99.9 percent).
It’s called “guns.”
To be fair, the amateur forensic analysts who allege that “guns don’t kill people” are actually correct. After all, it’s the bullet-related body piercings that killed 45,222 Americans in 2020. Contrary to popular belief, cigarettes don’t cause lung cancer; setting them on fire and inhaling the smoke is what causes all the problems. For that matter, texting and driving is a perfectly safe activity until the automobile runs into another object. The details are important.
Pro-gun advocates have used this logic to explain why the availability of guns isn’t a contributing factor to the injuries and deaths caused by white supremacist terrorist attacks, school shootings and Dick Cheney hunting expeditions. According to Republican politicians, the National Rifle Association and the medical investigative journalists at Fox News, the gun epidemic is actually a mental health issue. The most advanced medical minds in the world have searched for a cure for this mental illness for years, to no avail.
But recently, researchers at the Social Organization Making an Effort to End Violent Interactions by Leveraging Psychological Research to Investigate the Causes of Killing in Society (SOMEEVILPRICKS) announced that they have finally sequenced the gene that causes this mass-casualty malady.
What is ADHD-2A?
Also known as Micropenis Replacement Theory and Type II DieYouBishes, the American Delusional Hypocricy on Defending the Second Amendment (ADHD-2A) is a genetic mutation that results in the underdevelopment of certain parts of the brain.
Yes, it is a mental illness.
What else could make a person ignore the common denominator in mass shootings and instead attribute America’s ongoing murder pandemic to abortions, video games, pornography, Black people and–my favorite–too many doors? It’s got to be a special kind of crazy that makes someone keep a running tally on how many people are killed in Chicago every weekend while opposing reasonable gun reform laws. Other countries have abortions, Call of Duty and Pornhub but, when it comes to suicide by firearm, gun ownership and mass shootings, America is truly exceptional.
ADHD-2A causes people to believe that the Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution affords everyone the right to own any gun—even if they have no interest in being part of a “well-regulated militia.” White supremacist weekend warriors understand why they can’t waltz into Walmart and purchase anti-aircraft missiles or why 2-year-olds don’t get gun licenses. But, because ADHD-2A attacks the area of the brain responsible for common sense, sufferers cannot fathom the idea of common-sense gun control.
The first case of ADHD-2A occurred on Monday, June 22, 1788, when Founding Father George Mason argued that James Madison had put “a great deal of the poverty of the people of Virginia in jeopardy” and endangered the “peace and tranquility” of all Americans.
“In this state there are two hundred and thirty-six thousand blacks, and there are many in several other states,” he told Virginia’s ratifying convention. “When men are free from restraint, how long will you suspend their fury? The interval between this and bloodshed is but a moment. The licentious and wicked of the community will seize with avidity everything you hold. In this unhappy situation, what is to be done?” To ease Mason’s mind about angry, evil Blacks coming to kill all the white people, Madison quickly scribbled the shortest of the 10 amendments that would become known as the Bill of Rights:
“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”
Since that day, ADHD-2A has flourished in America. It turned schizophrenic slaveowners in 13 states into traitors against their own country. Stricken by a mental illness that made them want to start a white supremacist human trafficking utopia, they sparked what still stands as the bloodiest war on the North American continent. And it all happened because ADHD-2A made some sick-in-the-head white boys too lazy to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.
Under the delusion of ADHD-2A, people afflicted by this disease have tried to kill nine American presidents, with four successful assassination attempts.
Like cystic fibrosis, cocaine addiction and “economic anxiety,” ADHD-2A is more likely to affect white people but the residual effects have a disproportionately negative impact on Black Americans. Whites are the only racial or ethnic demographic in America with a majority who doesn’t believe gun laws should be more strict, that more guns equal more crime, that stricter gun laws would decrease the number of mass shootings or that guns are even a “very big problem.”
Although research has shown that white men committed more mass shootings than any other group (I checked), whiteness isn’t the sole factor. Other risk factors include: being a Republican, being from Texas and watching more than two minutes of Fox News’ prime time programming.
According to our research, there are six signature symptoms of ADHD-2A:
- Whataboutism: When discussing gun reform, mass shootings or any racial issue, patients stricken with ADHD-2A often deflect from the issue by beginning their sentences with “Well, what about…” Variations of whataboutism include Chicago, Black-on-Black crime and anything a Black person did in history.
- T&P Production: Studies show that immediately after any mass tragedy, the white tears glands of mentally unstable patients begin secreting the hormone responsible for thoughts and prayers.
- Homocaucasian Cataracts: One of the major side effects of this mental illness is the blind spot that leaves one with the inability to see their own whiteness. For instance, in 2020, white-on-white crime was higher than Black-on-Black crime and white Americans are more likely to own guns. Yet somehow, ADHD-2A sufferers are more likely to see individual African-Americans and Black neighborhoods as dangerous.
- MAGA Paranoia: Paranoid delusion is another hallmark symptom of Second Amendment-induced psychosis. Sufferers often believe that jack-booted thugs are coming to confiscate their guns, despite the fact that no legitimate politician has proposed such a measure. They suffer from hallucinations that make them see Mexican caravans, dead people voting, and critical race theory in schools.
- Common Sense Anemia: Doctors discovered that ADHD-2A-affected brains do not produce the hormone responsible for common sense. Despite the overwhelming evidence that shows lax gun laws result in more gun violence, people with ADHD-2A have insane ideas like putting more guns in schools can stop school shootings. In Texas, where ADHD-2A affects one out of every three citizens, legislators repeatedly loosened gun laws after mass shootings.
- Hypocrisy Halitosis: Perhaps the easiest way to identify a sufferer is to smell the conservative contradiction on their breath. The smell is produced when the odor of “pro-life” combines with the aroma of “all lives matter” and the stench of death.
After identifying this illness, experts created a 10-question multiple-choice test that can identify ADHD-2A with 83 percent accuracy.
1. Who is coming for your guns?
- The unnamed “jack-booted thugs,” who are just waiting for permission.
- The Democrats, who never proposed gun confiscation.
- The same government that already has more guns than you do.
- No one.
2. Why don’t Republicans support closing the gun-show loophole?
- They like it when people die.
- They hate America.
- Joe Rogan told them not to do it.
- The NRA pays them, so they don’t care what Republican voters want.
3. A “good guy with a gun…”
- Successfully defend themselves in less than 1 percent of crimes in which there is contact between a perpetrator and a victim.
- Is four times less likely to stop an active shooter than an unarmed person, according to the FBI.
- Is more likely to be shot during an assault.
- Can instantly identify “bad guys with guns.”
4. People who bring up Black-on-Black crime and Chicago murders support policies that:
- End education disparities.
- Fight inner-city poverty.
- Create strong nationwide gun laws.
- Continue to allow Black people to be disproportionately affected by gun violence so that white people can keep their AR-15s.
5. Which Republican plan is more likely to result in a decrease in mass shootings?
- Arming the teachers who are already underpaid and overworked.
- Eliminating the doors that allow students to escape mass shootings.
- Decreasing mental health care funding in the states most affected by gun violence.
- Thoughts and prayers.
6. Thoughts and prayers:
- Are bulletproof.
- Are more effective than legislation at preventing gun violence
- Can bring back the dead victims of gun violence.
- Is a performative gesture offered only by those who can actually do something.
7. The Second Amendment is:
- Can’t be regulated.
- Is not subject to common sense.
- Is in the Bible.
- Is like the right to vote, the right to a fair trial and the right to free speech—it’s for white people.
8. Mass shooters are usually:
- Legal gun owners.
- Mentally disturbed victims of bullying who were radicalized by video games.
9. Assault weapons are used for:
- Sporting events that have never been publicized, televised or organized.
- Hunting armed prey.
- Personal protection against anti-white critical race theory mobs.
- Killing a lot of people at once.
10. Why don’t other countries have as many mass shootings as America?
- We practice more.
- Other countries don’t believe in themselves.
- They don’t have enough gun shows.
- Because America’s addiction to guns is a mental illness
There are a number of experimental treatments for ADHD-2A.
Organizations like the Proud Boys, the Three Percenters and the Oath Keepers regularly hold group therapy sessions. A few victims have participated in organized field trips in Charlottesville, Va., and the Capitol Building in Washington, D.C., on Jan. 6. Republican politicians like Marjorie Taylor Greene, Lauren Boebert and Madison Cawthorn have even tried to serve as role models by posing for pictures with firearms. Ohio recently passed a bill to arm teachers and 23 states passed permitless carry laws.
None of these treatments have proven to be successful.
Maybe common-sense gun legislation could work but there hasn’t been a clinical trial.
Living with ADHD-2A
Good luck with that.
Michael Harriot is a writer, cultural critic and championship-level Spades player. His book, Black AF History: The Unwhitewashed Story of America, will be released in 2022.
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